Each time its the same. Except this time Abut Dhabi is in question.
When the suit case is dragged out from under the bed and left open on the floor, a horrible cramp in the stomach happens, which does not pas until I arrive on the ship. Despite the fact there are still 7 days left at home until boarding, I have a feeling like I am already there.
The checklist of things which are thrown into the suit case . One by one I throw them in and am considering what I have forgotten. The longer I navigate, the less things I need. I used barley be able to shut the large suitcase, and today there is space left over in the small one .. Sad but all I need re the basics. In 10 years of navigation I have changed so much that the state of my suitcase has become quite worrying.
The worst part of this preparation is the accepting that you are going away and the thinking. I'm thinking abut everything I have been doing whilst I have been at home, and most of all about the things I did not manage but wanted to do. I'm thinking how is it possible that I did not manage to do all that, where did the time fly.. Than I have to take a turn to think about people. I think about those I did not get to see, some seven say hello to. Is it really possible that I did not manage to see someone I care about and whom I really want to see? how can I explain being home for a month, and not having the time even for a coffee. Who can comprehend that? How to explain that to people?
how to explain to uncle that I did not manage to come see his kids, apart from the one weekend , and even than I stayed less than I expected. People all those I disregarded, all those I have forgotten, and the are all saddened by it. I'm saddened by it. Old friends who deserve to have some time dedicated to them, and yet maybe we haven't even spoken on the phone.
How to explain that to them..
I am going trough the numbers on the phone, form the first to the last, and am looking at all the names. Those who used to see me off to the ship- have become those whom I have coffee with the day before departure. It has not passed long since they have turned into those I speak to on the phone before I leave. Recently they started just getting a message from the airport. Today I'm looking reading all those names , and I'm thinking that there is no sense in even sending a message. When I haven't managed to say hello when I was home- who cares that I'm going away. What is the difference?
I'm looking at the phone thus, at the phonebook, than after all that bother about the departures, now I am troubled by the memory of how it used to be before, and of all those friends, which I managed to loose in 10 years since I have started navigation.
Emptying the fridge, putting the car and motorbike into the garage, paying the bills.. The ritual is always the same.
Its al ong way to the desert,
I think its not very smart to sleep the night before at all it would be better to saviour the last moments home , but there is some delicious pleasure in sleeping in one's own bed..
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